Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
