Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
