sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
