I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
