my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Randomize
