I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
