I murdered the dance floor call the cops
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
