Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize