I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
