i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
