Pregnant stripper...not hot.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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