He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
me + whiskey = a bad person
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
