You just made me feel so damn special
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
