I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
She told me I should be a condom model.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
