dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
