I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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