Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
