New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
