I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
