Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
