I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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