I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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