Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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