Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
