i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize