i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
