I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
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