I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
