Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Randomize
