I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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