at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
