you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
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