I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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