Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
