I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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