wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
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