This dress was meant to end up on your floor
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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