I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
