Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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