and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
