I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
