we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
