Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
