She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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