I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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