you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
