i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
