He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
