do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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