Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
