3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
