Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
