So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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