Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
