I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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