Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
