when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
