My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Randomize
