how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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