9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
