so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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