They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
